Lele Diamond, a developmental psychologist, says that parents are now in tune with being more positive and warm with their children but we need to recognize the words and phrases we use to communicate. Some of these phrases can be confusing and shameful. We want to elevate our children by teaching them how to deal with difficult situations in a healthy manner.
Phrase #1 - "No Thank You"
Author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Laura Markham, says that the phrase "No, thank you" is supposed to mean "I don't want that, but thank you for offering it to me." By using this same phrase, in a sing-song voice, to soften the blow to the word "No," it sends a confusing message to kids. For instance, if a child tries to snatch something from your hands the correct response would be to just say "No." It is okay to be firm and stern. We are role models for our children and by doing that we are teaching them to stand up for themselves in an assertive way. Of course, finish with an explanation so they understand why that behavior is unacceptable.
Phrase #2 - "We Don't or Big Kids Don't"
They say that this phrase is meant to shame a person and can create insecurities. Instead of saying "We Don't Hit" try empathizing, let them know you understand what it is like to be frustrated. Then try and offer them an alternative option for them to express their feelings in a non-violent or physical way.
Phrase #3 - "Hands Are Not For Hitting"
Of course hitting is not okay and this phrase works best for children who do not know this already. It can be condescending for older kids so it is best to help them cope and manage their emotions. This way in the future they can resolve the conflict in a more appropriate manner.
Phrase #4 - "Was That A Good Choice?"
This phrase is also a way to make your child feel as if their feelings or emotions are a choice. Feelings are not a choice but an experience we have had in response to an event. We need to be able to understand them in order to be able to manage and express them in a better way.
Phrase #5 - "Use Your Words"
For many children they understand how they feel but do not know how to put that into words. They say you should help your child by giving them the right words. For example, Markham says if their brother won't move, "You can tell your brother 'Move Please.' You can tell your sister 'I'd like a turn.' Put the words right in their mouth."
Phrase #6 - "OK?"
When you are trying to get your kids to do something you should never end the sentence with "OK?" Such as, "It's time to put on your jammies, OK?" When we use this phrase it sounds like we are giving them a choice, when in most cases we are not offering them one. They say to just drop the "OK" and replace it with "Please" and/or a "Thank You."
Phrase #7 - "Good Job, I'm Proud Of You" & "Good Girl/Boy"
Research finds that saying "Good Job, I'm Proud of You," can get kids dependent on feeling of those external affirmations to feel good about themselves. Children are naturally curious and have their own internal motivation to learn things and this phrase can turn them into praise junkies. Try encouraging them with "You Did It" or "You figured it out by yourself!" You can even say "You must feel so proud of yourself." It sounds similar but gets kids to reflect back on their own feelings of pride so they can see the benefits for themselves of what accomplishment feels like.
Phrase #8 - "You're So Smart" & "You're The Best"
These phrases are detrimental because they make kids feel that they should be able to get things on the first try. We want kids brains to continue to develop and get stronger by building upon their skill sets continuously. They now tell parents they should praise the effort not just the results. You should also speak to their pleasure, this way you can lead into a conversation rather than just evaluating how well they did or didn't do.
Read the full break down for yourself at TodaysParent.com